Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Hajj Chronicles III

I loved my Hajj experience, alhamdulllah.  I feel like Allah blessed me, beyond my imagination, and I hope to be forever a thankful slave.

I had the pleasure during my first Hajj experience to have a sheikh accompany our Hajj group and give us tidbits that were so on the spot, so perfect for Hajj.  During our travel from Medina to Makkah, our sheikh told us something that stuck in my mind, 'Don't busy yourselves during tawaf staring at everything.  Don't stare at the Ka'ba, don't stare at the skies around.  But do stare at the people.  Their faces will tell you stories...."  And while he said this, a couple of the more experienced hujjaj around him shook their heads in agreement, with these moving, untold stories on their faces.   And I wanted in on this.  I wanted to see these stories in the faces of the hujjaj around me, making tawaf around the holiest of places.

And so I stared.  I didn't need too much prodding to do it, from the first minute I arrived in the Holy Lands, I couldn't keep my eyes off the people.  I was overwhelmed by the crowds around me, the people around me, the faces around me. I couldn't stop staring.  Those first couple of days, I just couldn't keep my eyes in my Qur'an.  I know that's not the best thing, but there is wisdom in Allah's creation, perfection in His creation, and it made me appreciate Him and His creation that much more.

And then I arrived in Makkah, and the stories that people's face told shook my heart, brought the tears to my eyes.  Stories of struggle, love, dedication.  Stories of pure servitude to Allah.  Stories of His blessings on me.  Stories of determination, sincerity.  Stories of pure happiness and strength that came out of unknown sources.

There was that one young woman, a Southeast Asian, pushing a wheel chair with what I assumed was her husband and young toddler.  It was hot, she was sweating and unshaded on the third floor of the Haram, and yet she was pushing her young husband and toddler, both bent over in deep sleep.  I didn't know their story.  I didn't know if she came to His house, asking Him to cure her seemingly healthy husband from some deathly disease.  Pushing, praying, struggling to keep up her rites.  May Allah reward her.

And then, the story of the old, African man, in ihram, struggling to make tawaf on the third floor of the Haram, through crowds that had already sat down in readiness for the upcoming prayer.  He kept on stumbling over outstretched legs and folded laps, trying to finish his tawaf.  And then he stumbled and a man ran up to him and screamed 'This is a mosque!' and pulled off his slippers...  I couldn't stop the tears.  I could stop the wrenching feeling that was overwhelming my heart.  I couldn't help wondering how far this man had travelled, from which village or city.  I couldn't help crying for him, perhaps leaving his family, his village behind for the first time.  Seeing such crowds for the first time.  Struggling to  perform the Hajj in the most perfect way, all while perhaps being illiterate, or at least not having access to readily available sources on how to perform the Hajj....  How lucky I am, alhamdulillah.  And for this, I must be forever a thankful servant.

And then, I was making sa'ee between the Mountain of Safa and Marwa during my tawaf il ifadah, the rite after which I would be considered  a 'hajji', and could take off my state of ihram.  I was walking, pretty tired out from a long walk to Makkah from Mina, from my tawaf and now my sa'ee.  I was loving my physical state of ibadah.  Appreciating the lessons of sa'ee, the state of remembering Him while I was exhausted to my bones, the state of appreciating Him while walking back and forth.  And I approached the green lights, the distance within which it was sunnah for men to run.  And I saw him.  The man who served to move my heart to the core, to squeeze my heart and tears out.  I saw an old, old man in ihram.  Unable to walk without a walking stick.  Unable to stand straight.  And yet, he was running across that distance.  Running, with a back bent at a 60 degree angle.  Running with a walking stick held high in the air.  And I couldn't help the tears.  What love, what dedication, what sincerity to Allah SWT would move that man to run with his walking stick held high, with his back bent low?!

A couple of days later, in our farewell tawaf around the Ka'bah, I could almost swear I saw the same man again.  But what is the possiblity of that?! What is the possiblity, that from three million hujjaj, coming from all over the world, from camps spread wide and forth around Mina, I would see that same man again?!  We were bidding our farewell to the Ka'bah, with our final tawaf, on the third floor of the Haram, making thikr, remembering Him and asking Him.  And I saw a man in front of me, doggedly making his tawaf on the third floor, the longest distance of tawaf.  Determined, he was walking around with no wheel chair, on his own, with his long white beard flowing down, with his back bent at a 60 degree angle.  And there was that walking stick, held up high off the floor, in determination to make that tawaf on his own, with no help from anyone or any thing.  Walking, walking, walking for His sake.  Praying for His strength, power, love and acceptance.  Ya Allah, accept Him.  He was walking in the crowds, but no one knew him. And yet, he did it lovingly for Your sake, for Your acceptance.  Allahumma fa taqabbal.

Hajj Chronicles II

It's the little things that people do, that have others praying for them, without them even realizing, and may be the reason they enter Paradise. 

While we were sitting in the Haram in Makkah, on the third floor, I noticed people fidgeting in front of me, and then slowly I noticed the crowds flicking a large cockroach/cricket type bug around.  When you're sitting in a crowd of a million, there's no place for this insect to go but onto another person.  And so it got dangerously near me.  And though I don't have a fear of insects, this one was pretty large, and I had no tissues on me to pick it up with.  And so I ignored it, moved my feet and prayer rug around, and let it go on its merry way, bothering some other hajji. 

A few seconds later, a young man came and picked up this insect with his own bare hands, to dispose of it God knows where.  All I could do was pray for him.  He had just saved one million other hajjis from discomfort; had helped save their concentration for prayer.  May Allah reward him greatly.  He did us all a favor and removed harm from his fellow Muslim's path. 

Hajj Chronicles I - Kindess of a Stranger


It started out when she smiled at me, so thankfully.  It made me feel bad.  Why was I so begrudging of this empty spot next to me?  Why was I being so greedy with something that didn't belong to me.  Why couldn't I just smile, graciously, when she asked me if there was any space next to me for her and her friend to pray in.  Instead, I shook my head vigorously and mouthed, "No," and made the sign for 'one person' with my hand.  Only one of you can come.  And that, without a smile.

I was standing in the Haram, in the Holy Mosque, in Makkah.  I was there for my first hajj, and my days were filled with love and worship.  And yet, I had learned to fight for my spot when it was time for prayer.  And that first day in Makkah, on the third floor, three rows back from the balcony overlooking the Ka'ba and the crowds, I was in bliss.  But when I stood up to pray, I could only begrudgingly scoot over and make room for a sister.    What scrooges we humans are.

A couple of days later, the crowds had swelled in Makkah, as more and more hujjaj arrived from Madina and from all over the world.  I was continually being reminded by my sheikh to be patient, to flow with the crowd, to remember that I would be tested to my breaking point, and yet I must stand patient.  And so I learned not to fight the crowds when one million of us were walking in every direction trying to get in for prayer.  And I learned to let the crowd move me when prayers were over and we needed to head back to our hotel for sleep or food.  And I learned to appreciate that most people around me were moving with the flow; weren't fighting it.

And then we tried to make it in for Maghrib prayer a couple of nights before Arafat.  We were determined that within these 45 minutes, we'd make it in and not be praying outside our hotel lobby, or in the streets in front of the Haram.  We struggled and walked and slipped through, but the only place that we could make it into was the basement of the Haram.

It was just minutes before Iqama, as we looked around for a spot.  There were no spots.  But if people just moved around a little, scooted their bodies over, I'd definitely make it in.  So I headed for a relatively spacious line and asked a few women, in sign language, if I could pray next to them.  'No,' they vigorously shook their heads.  I signed, 'Just move over a few inches and I'll be ok. '  Again, 'No.  No room.'

I wasn't going to fight about it, so again, I started scanning the crowds for another possible line.  But right then, a big, matronly woman from Mali, sitting right next to these women who had refused to move over for me, spoke to me.  She waved her hands, 'Come over here, there's space.'  And she scooted her self over and helped force me into that space.  She then took my shoe bag from me and put it in front of her.  I was unbelievably grateful to her.  I was so thankful.  I couldn't stop smiling.  It felt so good to have this stranger save me from my wandering over outstretched legs and crowded spaces.  And she had done it so graciously, with a smile, without me even asking her.

May Allah reward her.  She made my Hajj.  Not because she moved over for me when no one else would, not only because she did it without me asking her, not only because she did it so nicely, but because she taught me a lesson in kindness and generosity.  These are the traits that Allah SWT wants us to have when He teaches us His names of Al Mannan and Al Kareem.  You do good things.  You do them generously, with a smile, with an open heart.  You don't begrudge your daughter your time when she asks you for the umpteenth time to get her more milk.  You don't begrudge your sister when you drive her out of your way because she doesn't have her car.  You don't hold your friend up for a favor because you baby-sat her daughter.  And you don't think you are generous because you moved over five inches for your sister to stand next to you, shoulder to shoulder, in prayer.

You remember His bounty on you for giving you that space, for giving you the ability to give it.  O Allah, You are the Most Generous, the Most Kind.  Give her more than I can ever give her and reward her for teaching me to be kind and generous with what I have.

Good Day

Today, I had a good day alhamdulillah. And I want to share it with myself so that I inspire myself, reflect on what I did good, and keep it coming inshaAllah. 

I actually started the day with a mistake, authu billah.  I thought I had set my alarm for fajr, but I hadn't.  So I missed fajr.  And that's why I had some energy to get up at 8:30 when my daughters came a-visiting.  The shaytan is a powerful force. 

I got up with the little one, took her to the bathroom, and instead of coaxing her into bed with me, led her to the living room.  We put on an exercise video (which I haven't done in ages!) and she ate her cereal.  I took her out of her seat, dressed her, (while exercising, mind you!) and finished my video, alhamdulillah!!! That is something I have been meaning to start back up in so long. 

Actually, I forgot! I started my day with reading my verses for memorization from Surat al Naml.  Before I hit the Internet.  High five to myself!  Then exercise, alhamdulillah.

Then I sat her down for 10 minutes of Qur'an, and the story of Surat al Feel.  Then we did a little bit out of her tracing book.... Now I felt good that I had given her this personal time, she doesn't get enough of it with her older sister.  Than I set up her little cooking station and brought down my computer for Internet time. 

Other good things did today:
- I had an impromptu measuring lesson for Sumayya today.  She was throwing a ball, and I decided I'd teach her about measuring, and we'd measure how far she was throwing.  We brought out some rulers and measuring tape and had a quick lesson.  Then I let her measure a few things, and then throw her ball while Shifaa helped me spread out the measuring tape.  Then we took a few random toys, measured them, drew them, wrote down their length and then put them in order! Alhamdulillah, drawing, tracing, math, and fun all at the same time.  I'm happy when these ideas come to my mind, but they don't come often enough.

I also did an activity out of the Slow and Steady book for Sumayya's age (actually younger than Sum, older than Shifaa).  Both kids enjoyed it (the one where you walk on a string, foot to foot, and pick up the ball, return it in the same fashion and throw it into a basket). 

Kids are napping now... Time for GrowMama blog writing. 

alhamdulillah.  Ya Allah, give me energy always, and keep laziness away from me.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Samsouma is Reading!

MashaAllah.  I'm happy, b/c I don't even feel like I taught her.  Very little direction on my part, but Allah blesses kids with the ability to think.  Something that we're using that makes her love reading: BOB books.  They're these simple books, with simple words and simple illustrations. And when she reads a sentence, she realizes that reading will lead her to discovering a story, and it's exciting for her!!! Alhamdulillah! Not just a chore anymore.  Thanks to my sister in law for the tip.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Feelings Back From Hajj


I got back from Hajj, my first Hajj, two weeks ago.  Alhamdulillah, it was such a blessing from my Creator. Thank you, Allah for blessing me with Hajj this year.  Now I  have to remind myself not to let it be a passing period of ta3abud, with a rapid decline.  work, work, struggle, love, give myself up to Him.

Hajj.... that hadith about how each of the manasik was prescribed for making more ibadah.  never remember hearing of it, never remember reflecting on it.... But now that I got to attend Hajj, I understand it, I appreciate it, I love it.  'Truly, tawaf, rami and sa'ee were prescribed only for ibadah." for worship.  To dedicate yourself to Allah SWT during that 3 hours of tawaf and sa'ee.  you're doing a physical action that might push many ppl to their extreme, but through out it all, you're remembering Allah.  You're praising Allah.  You're thanking Allah. You're glorifying Allah. You're asking Allah. And asking.  And hoping.  And praying.
And it's so wonderful alhamdulillah. It's so wonderful. A rejuvenation. A revival.  You get it in Ramadan, once a year.  You get it in Juma'ah prayer, once a week. You get it in the seasons of ibadah.  But nothing like full time immersion in ibadah during Hajj.  Ya Allah, what a blessing.  Full-time, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week of intense immersion in the ibadah of Allah SWT.  You truly feel like those 4 hours of sleep are dedicated to making you stronger so that you can wake up and go worship Allah.  You truly feel like that cup of juice you drink, that dinner you eat, is fully for the sake of strenghtening you for His worship. No frivolous bites, no overboard sleeping in.  You're building up your reserve to hike out in the wee hours of the night to His sanctuary, struggling through crowds of hundreds of thousands, dedicated to Him, just like you and more than you, all going purely for His pleasure.  Ya Allah, the beauty of it.

You struggle through the loving crowds, through the worshipping crowds, to your spot.  You stand, and pray, and pray.  You sit and read His words.  read them and love them,  You look around at His creation.  The hundreds of thousands who are all here, all crying for His pleasure, reading for His pleasure, praying for His pleasure.  Three million strong, all dedicating their days, health and money for Him?!  It amazes me.  It strengthens me.  It leaves me in awe of Him and those who love Him.  I thank Him for looking down at us with His pleasure and forgiveness.  You are Most Kind, O Allah.  You are Al-lateef. And I am Your humble servant, always seeking Your Love.  Allahumma Ameen.

Thank You for giving us the chance.

What are the things I loved most about my experience?

The chance to worship him for 16 days non-stop.  In all sorts of forms.  While walking. While praying. While sitting.  While circling.  While stoning.  While watching.  While seeing.  Creative ways. non-traditional ways.  Re-discovering ways.  Strengthening ways.  Alhamdulillah.  Stay strong, O self.
I didn't know I could just worship Allah for so long, and love it.  Thank you, Ya Allah.  When I went off for Hajj, I took my Qur'an with me, and knew I was going to read it.  After my first couple of hours in Medina, I thought, 'Wow, I can finish reciting the entire Qur'an on this trip.'  And I told my husband, and he was like, 'duh.'  But it hadn't occured to me before, than in 14 days, I'd have more than enough time to dedicate to reading.  And patience.  That's what I always struggle for.  And love for it.  Not just quick recitation.  Did I finish reciting?  No. :( I fell two juz's away from it.  I was distracted by looking at the people around me. And I was tested in Mina with not being able to fully concentrate in such tight quarters. I missed the expanseness of the Holy Haram.  I missed the open skies.  But that is one of the beauties of Hajj.  To test you in the most crowded situations, in the toughest situations, when you're physically spent, can't walk one more step, can't keep your eyes open one more minute.... and still you pray, and you recite, and you ask.  That is Hajj.  to make ibadah throughout all forms of testing and exertion. Next time I will complete it, inshaAllah.  Next time I'll have that knowledge in my mind, that goal, and I will reach it. This time I went without even thinking about it.  And knowledge is power.  May this benefit someone out there.

I loved the people.  I loved looking at everyone. I couldn't get my eyes full of gazing, and wondering and thinking, 'SubhanaAllah! SubhanaAllah! SubhanaAllah!'  Truly.  The first two days in Medina, I was like a staring freak.  I couldn't stop looking around.  I couldn't concentrate on my recitation.  I was taking in all the crowds, and loving it. I felt like the white person staring at the foreigner Muslim hijabi entourage.

more to come... 

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Take One Step To Me...

My four year old daughter walks up to me and holds out her pajamas. "Mama, fix them for me," she says, indicating that her pjs are inside out. I get really annoyed. "Sumayya, do them yourself," I tell her. She gets annoyed and throws a small tantrum. And then I remind her to stick her hand in the sleeves and pull her hand out; it'll fix itself that way. She gives it a sincere try, and sometimes it works for her. When it's really complicated, I jump at the first sign that she gave it a try and help her out. All I want is for her to show me that she's willing to try. Then I'll help her. It doesn't matter to me how simple, how feeble her try is (though at least somewhat sincere), I want to help her out. I want to help her out, I really do, but I want her to show me that she's trying.

And so it is with Allah SWT, though we can't compare ourselves to Him in any degree. All He wants us to do is try. Give it a try. Make the effort. Show that you sincerely want to succeed, that you sincerely want to do this thing. Take the first step. Move out of your hole. Pick up that book on time management, sign up for that course on self-control, set up a schedule for yourself, set the alarm for fajr... And then He'll give us a thousand chances, help us out in a thousand ways, pull us out of our rut, out of our hole, and to success.... Show that we really care, and then He'll give us the lifeline, the rest of the steps.


I promise myself to start working on my patience, on my time management, on my home management, so that He can help me. Find out tips for patience, read up on and start implementing time management strategies, spend those fifteen minutes a day cleaning...

O Allah , you are my Lord. Bless me and give me sincerity and all that is good.

Pumpkins and Acorns

Something trivial and maybe insignificant, but I was on a trip with an American Muslim friend to a farm about a month ago. She bought a couple of gourds and squashes, and I asked her what she was going to cook with them. She told me, "No, they're for decoration."
For an instant, my heart closed up, and I thought, 'Huh, I thought she was religious." My mind instantly associated the gourd decor with Halloween.
But alhamdulillah, I had a window of understanding opened, and inshaAllah a bit of stereotyping removed.
I went to another farm a couple of weeks later, and on leaving, they had a few pumpkins and gourds up, and told each person to take one with them. But the pumpkins and gourds clearly said, "Not for cooking."
"Huh", I thought. "I guess I'll take them and put them out as decorations." Not Halloween, but a celebration of Allah's creation. Of His magnificent orange, and yellow and green creations. Of these smooth pumpkins, and amazingly textured gourds. Of the curves, the bumps, the melding of yellow into green, the curved into straight, the strength and the amazing beauty.

Just like I have my acorns and pinecones decorating, my flowers and my seashells, my water and my plants, I have my pumpkin and gourds. An experience for my daughters to bring in the colors of autumn, the colors of Allah's creation.


PS: (I guess my point is that some of us immigrant muslims grew up with this thought that pumpkins are bad, turkeys are bad. :) not that black and white, but you know what i mean. It's just another beautiful manifestation of our American culture, which slowly, we'll be able to come and put on as our own clothing, our own culture, and realize that it's about celebrating Allah SWT, celebrating His bounties, His ability to create people with different cultures. I really liked a friend's comment on Halloween&celebrating it, and she reminded us that this time of the year, October/November, is harvest time around many parts of the world. And for a world that was so dependent on the harvest for thousands of years, there is an amount of recognition placed on this harvest and His bounties on us during this time. Our connection to His earth and His creation.
Rabbi zidna 3lma.)

Getting Ready for Hajj

It's four more days before I head out on the greatest journey of my life. Three weeks ago, I kept on saying, I nee/d to start reading, but I didn't find/make time. And I said, "Three weeks? That's plenty of time."
Now, predictably, I'm upset at myself that I put so much emphasis on preparing the materialistic and not the spiritual, not the knowlede-ful, ibadah-ful part of my hajj. But alhamduillah, today I woke up nice and early, and the girls are still asleep, and got to read Mamdouh Mohamed, 'Hajj&Umrah: from A to Z.' Basic, but so well put together and explained and to the point, may Allah reward him.

And subhanaAllah, everytime I read about tawaf al wadaa3 (the farewell tawaf), I cry. I only have a few short days in Makkah, and Mina, and Arafat and Medina, and bidding farewell before I've even started makes my heart yearn. Oh Allah, accept from us and don't let it be our final call to this land.

Some of my intentions for this hajj:
O Allah , accept from me my answer to your call to make hajj to Your Holy place. Accept it from me purely for your sake, and make it a blessed journey.

O Allah, I hope to use this journey as a way to practice my patience, to learn my patience, to strengthen my resolve and ability to be patient with my daughters, my mothers, everyone. Give me this patience in hajj so that I am not one of those who argue and fight. Give me this patience so that I am not an angry person. Give me this resolve inside of me, so that I always remember my niyyah to you, and patiently accept the bad character of people. I do not want to come back an angry, bottled up mother who yells at her young 4 year old and 2 year old. I want to smile in their face, handle their tantrums with love and a sincere hope that they grow up with the beautiful akhlaq that You and Your messenger taught us ya rabb al 3alameen.

O Allah, I intend to see Your servants from all over the world, so that I can count Your power and Your blessings on us. I want to get to know them, marvel in their differences, in their organization, their lack of it, their dedication to You, their knowledge of You, and their lack of knowledge of things. I want to say alhamdulillah and subhanaAllah. The greatness of the diversity that You have created.

O Allah, I want to visit the holy places that Your prophet visited, to remember that this land was inhabited by thousands of generations before me, ; that I am a nobody in this sea, and yet a somebody in Your eyes. I want to grow closer to you ya Allah. Please give me this taqwa.

I want to remember my closeness to you on my first visit to Your House, when I was not necessarily large in spirit, but You brought me close to You, in spite of me, and made me realize Your presence and Your closeness to me. Ya Allah, give me that taqwa, that knowledge on this trip so that it will carry me over for a lifetime.

Ya Allah, I want to come back a changed person, who does not go back to yelling, impatience, wasting time. Give me that patience, help me practice it in Hajj, and afterwards. Test me, but help me overcome that test.

Ya Allah, give me a love of my husband , and a closeness to him on this trip so that we may always remain connected and close.


Give me a reverance of Your house, your masha3ir, and understanding, and knowledge min ladunka ya rabb al 3alameen. I praise You for the few moments of understanding that You have given me, undeservingly, but because You are al Kareem, the Most Generous; moments of understanding that have held me over and pulled me through and kept me flying through the years. Give me the sincerity in every step I take and every thing I do.

O Allah, fill my heart with overflowing love for You.

Your servant,
fatima

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Tired

I want to write so much, but i'm so tired. Another day inshaAllah...

Hajj preparations: i'm buying so much and not spending enough time reading, writing, getting into it spiritually. five more days inshaallah.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Autumn Leaves and Kids

I took Sumayya and Shifaa to the park the other day, in hopes they'd entertain themselves with all the fallen leaves. Sumayya, "How, mama?" Me, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAa."

So anyways, I later got the idea to have the girls grab their baskets, go outside and collect leaves of different colors and shapes. We did that, and could have spent alot more time on it, but it was raining that day. Today, we stayed home and actually did some things with those leaves, and I'm so happy alhamdulillah. I hardly ever feel like I'm doing something useful with Sumayya, so this was a good experience that I want to record so that I'll remember some other plans I have.

Basically we took a few different shapes of leaves and did markings of them on paper with the wide side of different colored crayons. Sumayya got the hang of it and actually wanted to keep on going, which is a rarity with her when it comes to artistic/crayon-associated projects. We also got into talking about the veins of the leaves, their job and compared them to human veins. Sumayya was interested mashaAllah. :)

Some other things hope to do inshaAllah:
  • Leaf/tree identification.
  • go out and collect many, many more leaves.
  • wax meltings of leaves and wax crayons shavings . (leaves/crayons between wax paper, iron to melt them together).
  • God's Characteristics: Al Musawwir (all the different leaf shapes out there, leaf colors, trees, etc!.) The qur'anic verse on " No leaf drops but He is aware of it...).
  • Leaf in basket collection: collect many more!
  • Rake up leaves and jump in! (this is when a child sized rake would be useful.... for eid?)
Now, maybe with getting her engrossed into leaves and playing with them at home, she'll have more ideas on how to play with them on her own out in the park... And that's basically how it works, if you know something, you have power over it, you're able to identify it, see it, know it, do something with it. But if its a big blob of nothing that you see everyday but don't 'know', don't have interaction with, you'll just pass by it everyday without taking it in....

Asbah ala kheerr..... time for sleep.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Getting Ready for Hajj

Alhamdulillah, i'm heading for hajj this year, first time. i'm nervous. i wonder if i'll be able to fill my days with ibadah, or if i won't have the patience and iman to do that. i wonder if it will be accepted. i wonder if i forced myself and husband into it. But I thank Allah swt for giving me the opportunity and i hope to make the best of it and to do it for His sake and none else's.
and i'm especially thankful to my mum and sisters for taking care of the girls. i'll be making lots of dua'a for you guys. so keep patient to get the reward. :)

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

God is Most Gentle with His Servants-Allah Lateefun Bi'ibadiah

I like to record serious events in my life that had an impact on me, even for a few seconds, just to be a constant, written reminder of how exactly I was feeling when it first happened-so I will not forget. Because humans are forgetful, even when death stares them in the face, and they see it, and it strips them of all their power; once it's passed, they forget.

Yesterday was the strongest near- death experience I've had; not the first one, but the scariest, the one that most left me weak to my bones, strained in my neck, unable to move.

I was visiting a friend in Germantown MD to console her on her mother in law's loss. Driving back home with two of my sisters, we found ourselves lost for a bit and following a longer route home. We were laughing and talking and having a good time togeher. At Democracy Blvd, off of 270 South, I noticed that the dark highway was unusually empty, and I was relieved. I hate driving at night on busy, unfamiliar roads, with night lights blinding me, and me not knowing if I'm changing lanes into an empty lane or whether the car is actually two lanes over.

Past that Democracy Blvd exit, I was stuck behind a slower moving truck, perhaps going at 50 mph. I finally broke free and switched over to the left lane, pressing on the gas and keeping a bit of a distance from the truck on my right, and inching a bit closer to the concrete highway median to my left. I noticed a car behind me, and some lights in front of me. Smiling, my mind made me understand that these lights were from the cars driving down the other side of the highway. It was dark, but there were two white headlights lighting my road.

And then my mind realized that my sister Maryam was moaning, 'Fatima, watch out.'

It clicked.

Those two headlights were heading straight down the dark highway towards me. I was going 70, it was going fast, steady, straight down that highway. I had just passed the truck to my right, but I had no other choice. I violently pulled my steering wheel to the right, then quickly back to the left to keep out of the truck's direct path. I had no idea what was happening around me, but my SUV swerved right and left and right and left till we had passed danger.

I was spent. I could not believe what had just happened. The truck behind me slowed down to 10 mph, the car behind me too. That's all i saw in the rearview mirror. I was shaken. I couldn't press the gas, i couldn't keep my hands steady. Slowly, those two cars overtook me and long passed me. But I stayed at my 30 mph on the highway speed. My voice shook as I talked to my sisters. We couldn't believe what had just happenend. We hashed and rehashed what had just happened. I tried to steady my shaking voice; I thought I was the only one so scared. Had to toughen up.

We called 911 and they switched us over to the police dispatch. He informed us that they had gotten 3 other calls on the same car. Good. But they hadn't yet done anything to stop him. What was he? How the hell did he get on the closed highway? What was he trying to do? Suicide? An automotive version of Russian roulette? Gang or fraternity initiation? Probably not drunk. He was heading straight down that lane. No swerving left or right. Steady.

By the time I got home to my parents, I thanked God that it wasn't three deaths at once. All I could think of was that a head on collision like that would have flipped my car far, far ahead and killed us all, starting with my kid sister in the back seat with no seat belt. All I could think of was, Allah Lateefun bi'ibadih. He saved me from a violent, ugly death. And He truly saved me. He guarded me from in front of me, from the right of me, from the left of me, from behind me. I swerved from that car's way, but I swerved right into another vehicle's path. I was going for the lesser of the two evils, for a seriously scratched up car, but God had better plans. He protected me, He gave me another chance to thank Him, to realize His Mercy, His Gentleness, His power.

alhamduilllah rabbil 3alameen.

I-270 Driver Going Wrong Direction

Did anyone else see this scary seen on 270 South past Democracy Blvd around 10:40 pm on Monday night, October 20th 2009? If so, I'd like to touch base and see what you saw.
My sisters and I saw death barreling down on us, but were saved by our guardian angels and Most Gentle Creator.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Ramadan Memories...

Ramadan Memories and Ramadan Spirit.

There is one memory that jumps to my mind when I think of Ramadan, and most importantly when I think of the spirit of Ramadan. I grew up in the States, so the one Ramadan that I spent in Egypt as an adult was a new experience. I was never sure if it beat my Ramadans back home in America, but this one memory of Ramadan in Egypt fills me with happiness and the spirit of racing to do good that Ramadan inspires in all of us... (wa fee thalika fal yatanafas il mutanafisun- And in that, let them compete).

One day, my husband and I were invited for Ramadan iftar at my second cousin's home near the Al Malik Al Salih (Pious King) metro stop in Old Cairo. I don't remember the metro ride, I don't even remember if it was the metro we took, but I do remember the rest of the story from the moment we stepped out of the metro station into the sandy, brown neighborhood streets of Al Malik Al Salih neighborhood.

It was dusk time, maghrib time, and the streets were yellow with the last rays of the setting sun. The sound of athan had just faded from the horizon, and the streets were quiet, minus the sound of honking cars and screaming merchants. And yet, in our faces were about 4 or 5 young men and boys, each one handing us a small cup full of milk and a plate covered with dates. I was overwhelmed at first; it took me a few seconds to realize they were offering me my iftar dates, my fast-breaker. They realized that it was iftar time, that these last lingering metro riders had probably not broken their fast; and they raced against each other to give my husband and I that first date and sip of milk, so they could receive the reward of feeding a fasting person.

Until today, I am overwhelmed with feelings every time I think of it. I have to be honest with you, I couldn't drink from that cup of milk because I was a bit spoiled and had no idea where that cup or that milk had been, and I can't even remember if I had the stomach to eat the uncovered dates. But until today, I ask Allah to reward those boys and men for giving me a taste of the spirit of Ramadan, a taste of the meaning of racing forth to do good deeds, a taste of competing with each other in all that is good.

Six Ramadans later, I remember their faces, their outstretched arms, their desire to feed me, and I say alhamdulillah for the spirit of goodness in our ummah.

May Allah bless this Ramadan for you and I, and may He increase our desire to give generously like the blowing wind.


Thursday, August 20, 2009

Different Personalities...and the Bathroom

SubhanaAllah, Allah blessed me with two different girls and two completely different personalities. I know this might be a bit too graphic, but you can really see their differences of style in the bathroom!
My oldest daughter is so outgoing; she does not understand the concept of shyness or embarrassment. I know, it still surprises me, but she totally gets that character trait from her father. MashaAllah, I should try to learn how to help her take advantage of it.... She can be sooo cute sometimes, and apparently so overbearing, as my sisters let me know.

But when she used to do #2 in her diaper as a baby, she used to do it in front of the whole world, not even thinking twice about it. And now as a four year old, she wants me to stay with her in the bathroom and converse while she's going full speed. I have to teach her to be on her own.

With my second daughter, it was a bigger challenge potty training her. She would hide whenever she wanted to use the bathroom, and though I remember my younger siblings doing that as well, it surprised me how children could understand the concept of hayaa'a, shyness/modesty/embarressment. And now that she uses the potty (only for #2), she'll make sure I leave her alone. "Mama, ruhi, wi2filee il baab." "Mama, go and shut the door."
hahaha, i love it, and subhanaAllah, she is generally a shy kid in public, if she is first being introduced to a new group of people.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Life of A Parking Space

I stood outside with my daughters, one snowy and icy day, cleaning off our black SUV with the new, long, double sided snow brush my husband had sent us long distance through Amazon.
Just the day before, I had complained to him that he had thrown away my broken snow brush last summer when he was cleaning out our old Volvo, getting it ready to be detailed and sold. I told him not to throw it away, that one day I would wake up and find snow, and no brush to clean off that snow with.
And I was right, the season's first snow had falled and melted, and I had had to clean the car with the back of my coat sleeve. Now the second snow fall had arrived, and it was much hardier than the first one-no back of sleeves wipe would do the trick for me. And so I complained to my husband that night, as I stayed snowed in my apartment with my two little ones, trying to entertain them and remain sane.
"I'm stuck without a snow brush. Thanks hubby. What am I supposed to do tomorrow morning when I try to go out?!"
And so, my new snowbrush arrived the next day by mail. Nice, sleek and long.
And we stood outside in our apartment parking lot, me cornering my two year old so she wouldn't run out into the street and watching my 3.5 year old trying to clean the snow off the car with her new toy.

And we watched one parking spot, two cars down from ours, fill up with a white Camry after having stood empty for a while. Ten minutes later, its driver returned and drove away, leaving the spot empty again. Two minutes later, that spot filled up again-this time with a silver Passat. And within minutes, its driver had returned and drove away to another destination. And there I stood with my little sumy, brushing away at that snow, breaking up those clumps of ice. And in drove the third car, a navy blue Volvo V70 and parked. All within 20 minutes of my stand. Twenty minutes, three cars, one parking spot. And one on-looker who watched it all.

Standing in one spot, and seeing another spots dramatic, quick changes, all within minutes was symbolic to me. Amazing, changes come and go, pass by us, and we remain standing, watching, waiting, hoping.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Happiness

I got a compliment from my almost four year old daughter the other day, and it lit up my world, brightened up my day. It was the first compliment I've gotten from her, and I didn't imagine that little children could notice these things, and that their appreciation would make me so happy.

I was walking outside our apartment door, ready to take my daughters and husband on a couple of trips before I went out alone to an old friend's baby shower. As I walked out the door in my purple jilbab and silver-lined, purple scarf, my little daughter looked up to me and said, 'You look beautiful, mama. I like what you're wearing." I smiled this deep, heart-felt smile. "Thanks, Samsoum." And it kept me smiling for the rest of the day. It gave me a bit of confidence in my step as I walked into the baby shower that day.

Thank you for giving me confidence, dear daughter, thank you for bringing a real smile to my face.
There's just something about a child's true, unadulterated honesty, something about a young one's compliments that can never be replicated by any adult compliment, for in a child's compliment you detect true appreciation, unadulterated by any feelings of being kind. 100% honesty. Children, the true brightness in our horizon.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Parenting at Almost Four

Should not involve disciplining a rude kid. But already my almost four year old is testing me and trying me with her rude faces and retorts. I am at a loss to how to fix it. I have started disciplining her by taking away story time at night, and I'm not sure its working. She gets so upset when I do that, and cries her heart out and throws fits and fits, but I'm not sure it helps her act better the next day.

today was especially trying for me. I am exhausted by trying to get her to act right. Maybe I'm expecting too much? Maybe I'm caring about what others say about how she acts, and that's why I'm trying to control her behavior and actions? I used to let go, but now that she's older, I feel like ppl can only handle her so much b/c she's not a little 'cute' kid anymore. But if that's the case, that's wrong of me.
I need to be disciplining her for the right reason, not b/c of what others will say about her. But how do you get a kid to stop giving you nasty looks when they're upset, and retorting at you without slapping them? For the life of me, alhamdulillah, i've been able to keep that violence away, b/c i know its just my temper getting the best of me. but sometimes, oh how badly i want to slap those words out of her mouth or that look off of her face.

Ya rabbi, I ask you to help me raise this girl in the best of akhlaq. Forgive me if I treated my parents wrongly, and if this is my just punishment. Please forgive me, and lead these daughters of mine to the best of akhlaq so that you will be pleased with them and I can live with them.


what would make my daughter better?
I know if I had more fun with her, on a personal, playful level, she would probablylove me more and be so upset at upsetting me. maybe i need to do that, just play with her. instead of taking her places to play and thinking that's enough.

subhanaAllah. ya rabbi, sabbirnee 3layha.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Hurting My Kid

aaah, i'm in pain right now, and i don't think i've ever hurt my daughter as much as i did today. i've never seen her cry such deep tears of upset and disbelief. i disclipined her today by taking away her bedtime story. she misbehaved and i gave her many chances, counted down, threatened etc. and then took her down to 1 story, and then she acted up again and i took away her one story. and i knew it would hurt me, b/c it would unsettle her before bed, which would make falling asleep harder for her, and yet i felt she would only learn if she saw that i would not change my mind. but she cried and cried her heart out and i'm so sad.

and to make it worse, she acts up usually when i don't give her enough activities during the day, and today i left her at my mom's from 4-9 pm, where they didnt have much to do. so i always feels bad when i feel like i didn't give her enough of my time of day, but i have this project i need to finish by next week and i'm no where close to finishing it... aaaahhhh. poor baby.

What is right? am i doing the right form of disciplining? i don't feel like this is going to hurt her long term, b/c i did warn her. and i'll shower her with love tomorrow to show her i love her, but that she can't act up in rude behavior. ... i don't know...

and i lost her today. and the worst thing is i didn't even notice till minutes later. we were at teh library and she was on the computer and i was doing puzzles with her sister. when i finally got up, i noticed she was gone. i went searching for her and found the librarian and another woman bringing her in, apparently she had been outside looking for me, thinking i had left her and gone to the park. and then the two women went off and started whispering, and i could just imagine them talking about this irresponsible foreigner who didn't care for her kid... subhanaAllah. alhamdulillah He protected her and me from feeling the fear of losing my daughter to human's moment of weakness and non-omniscense.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Small Science Experiment for 3 year old

I kind of adapted this idea from a website I came upon for Montessori teaching and from the snowy/sleety weather we had last night.
While we were driving, a snow truck passed in front of us and sprayed us with some pebbles/salt grains. My daughter asked me about it and I explained that salt helps the ice melt more quickly and keeps ice from forming on the ground. She asked how, so I promised her that next morning we would do an 'experiment' to discover how. This excited her since she's been reading a mouse story , with the mouse getting dirty in one scene from a 'science experiment.' So she said excitedly, "tajruba 3ilmiyya?!" And I said, 'Yes!"

Today we took out two little bowls and two pieces of ice. I let my daughters take turns pouring salt on the 'experimental' ice cube. Then we moved around both bowls and got them little spoons to mix the ice. The ice with the salt melted very quickly! We learned about the different states of water, about different things that help ice melt more quickly.

quick fun!

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Children's Innocence

My heart hurts for my children, and I wish I could protect them from learning what meanness is.
The other day we were visiting with some older, generally well-behaved children and their parents. When we went home, my three year old told me that the 'older' boy (6? 8? year old 'A') had called her banana head. She was laughing when she said this. And I knew that she thought it was funny.
But I kept on thinking to myself that he meant it in a way to make people laugh, and b/c she was innocent , she wasn't hurt by him using her as a tool for humor. But I felt so bad. I was happy that she wasn't hurt, but I realized that one day it would dawn on her that people are mean, and words could hurt. My heart cries for my children, cries for the day they realize human meanness.

Ya Allah, give us strength in our bodies and spirits, and protect our children from evil.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Confessions of a Three Year Old

I absolutely love them. I love my little daughter when she comes up to me and starts conversing with me, telling me as an after thought, about something that she did yesterday that she probably shouldn't have, or something that she did today that she probably shouldn't have.

"Mama, I ran to the bathroom because I needed it. I pee'ed in my pants, a little bit."
Me: "What?!"
"Just a little bit, mama, a very little bit."

She tells me the story so matter of factly, so full of confidence, so sure of my love, with no guilt, because she doesn't understand guilt yet, at least not fully.

I was sitting and listening to her chatter away, not really paying attention, till her new train of words caught my attention.

"Mama, yesterday I took that bottle and went into the room, shut the door and put some soap in my hands and my sisters's hands."
Me, "Yes?"
"Then my aunt came in the room and took it from me, and told me this doesn't belong to me."

"Oh, what was it?" Now I'm really paying attention because I realize she's telling me a real life story, and because I'm wondering what the heck she had taken out of the closet.

"That," she points to a bottle of antibacterial soap, a small bottle, the kind you don't have to wash with water.

She tells me this whole story in retrospect, something that happened in her day yesterday. But she's not confessing a sin, she's just telling me her daily happenings. She feels no need to apologize, she feels no need to fear me. And I absolutely love it. I love the fact that she's not scared of telling me, the fact that she isn't waiting for my reaction and fearing it. I love the fact that she's conversing with me, and I almost don't want to say anything, don't want to ruin the moment.

"Sumy, why did you close the door?"
"What?"
"Remember, if I don't see you, Allah SWT sees you. Next time, if you want to see it, just ask me and I'll bring it down." But deep inside I realize that I don't always 'just bring it down.' Maybe I need to do that more often.

I hope I did that right. I hope I am able to keep my lines of communication open with this little treasure of a daughter. I hope she always remains so innocent, even in her mistakes, so free, so trusting, so confident.

Ya Allah, give me wisdom to protect her from everything bad. Ya Allah, keep our babies so wonderful and trusting and sweet and innocent.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Not Regretting It

My husband has a wonderful trait-once he decides on something and goes through with it, he never regrets it. No matter how nagging I can get, asking him if perhaps we should have looked around for a better deal, perhaps we should have waited, perhaps...., he tells me, 'khalass, it's over and I don't regret it.'
And I love this trait about him, b/c it helps me feel better about some decisions I feel I may have forced him into that I later have second thoughts about (like buying our new car).

But two days ago, I did something different. Something that I should have done so many years ago, but practice makes perfect. I thought about why I was going to the inauguration.

I had planned on going months ago, once Obama was elected president. And then the morning of the inauguration, I found myself going by myself, and I wondered if there was any truly 'good' reason for me to go, other than to see something excited, which didn't sound very beneficial to my life and Hereafter.

So I decided that I would go and learn something new from this crowd of 2 million people, and I would at least be a picture for Islam in America for these crowds who might not think Muslims were as interested as they in Obama's inauguration.

And I went. It was cold, crowded, exhausting, and wonderful, and I went alhamdulillah. I was alone the whole time, and I got stuck in unbelievable human traffic afterwards (never ever imagined such a human traffic jam) and it took me 2.5 hours to get home instead of 30 minutes, but alhamdulillah, I did not regret going because I got what I went for, alhamdulillah. People saw me, I gave a 30 second interview on something called Kosher TV, and I saw things that I did not think I'd see (like the Christian fundamentalists with their huge signs, coming to DC with a purpose, and getting booed by the crowd and told to go home (!), and the Buddhist monks walking around the mall to their own drumbeat (so nice!), and some interesting crowd control issues).

Alhamdulillah, it was a learning experience. May God give me the power to think through every action I take.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Vacuuming Empowers Me!

I'm realizing this more and more, I absolutely love vacuuming. In general, I prefer cooking to cleaning any time of day, but there's something absolutely quick and wonderful about a vacuum cleaners powers- how it wipes out dirt and a mess with one swipe, and leaves my living room looking so clean within minutes.
And it's probably the only cleaning I can do with kids running around and not having to worry about them demanding my attention at that time. They either play tag with the vacuum cleaner and I push, or grab their own child size vacuums and clean along.
And I just recently realized the love affair I've had with each vacuum cleaner I bought in the different countries and had to leave behind when I moved. At first I thought it was only this vacuum cleaner or that one that I loved, but then I realized I loved each vacuum cleaner I've chosen (except for my craigslist one-but then again, I didn't choose that one!).

I feel like a child when I say this, but I love vacuuming!

PS: I own a dyson at the moment (one of the lighter ones) and am in love!

Saturday, January 10, 2009

GrowMamaGrow

Check it out, a new, amazing online community for Muslim moms:

www.growmama.com