Feelings Back From Hajj

I got back from Hajj, my first Hajj, two weeks ago.  Alhamdulillah, it was such a blessing from my Creator. Thank you, Allah for blessing me with Hajj this year.  Now I  have to remind myself not to let it be a passing period of ta3abud, with a rapid decline.  work, work, struggle, love, give myself up to Him.

Hajj.... that hadith about how each of the manasik was prescribed for making more ibadah.  never remember hearing of it, never remember reflecting on it.... But now that I got to attend Hajj, I understand it, I appreciate it, I love it.  'Truly, tawaf, rami and sa'ee were prescribed only for ibadah." for worship.  To dedicate yourself to Allah SWT during that 3 hours of tawaf and sa'ee.  you're doing a physical action that might push many ppl to their extreme, but through out it all, you're remembering Allah.  You're praising Allah.  You're thanking Allah. You're glorifying Allah. You're asking Allah. And asking.  And hoping.  And praying.
And it's so wonderful alhamdulillah. It's so wonderful. A rejuvenation. A revival.  You get it in Ramadan, once a year.  You get it in Juma'ah prayer, once a week. You get it in the seasons of ibadah.  But nothing like full time immersion in ibadah during Hajj.  Ya Allah, what a blessing.  Full-time, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week of intense immersion in the ibadah of Allah SWT.  You truly feel like those 4 hours of sleep are dedicated to making you stronger so that you can wake up and go worship Allah.  You truly feel like that cup of juice you drink, that dinner you eat, is fully for the sake of strenghtening you for His worship. No frivolous bites, no overboard sleeping in.  You're building up your reserve to hike out in the wee hours of the night to His sanctuary, struggling through crowds of hundreds of thousands, dedicated to Him, just like you and more than you, all going purely for His pleasure.  Ya Allah, the beauty of it.

You struggle through the loving crowds, through the worshipping crowds, to your spot.  You stand, and pray, and pray.  You sit and read His words.  read them and love them,  You look around at His creation.  The hundreds of thousands who are all here, all crying for His pleasure, reading for His pleasure, praying for His pleasure.  Three million strong, all dedicating their days, health and money for Him?!  It amazes me.  It strengthens me.  It leaves me in awe of Him and those who love Him.  I thank Him for looking down at us with His pleasure and forgiveness.  You are Most Kind, O Allah.  You are Al-lateef. And I am Your humble servant, always seeking Your Love.  Allahumma Ameen.

Thank You for giving us the chance.

What are the things I loved most about my experience?

The chance to worship him for 16 days non-stop.  In all sorts of forms.  While walking. While praying. While sitting.  While circling.  While stoning.  While watching.  While seeing.  Creative ways. non-traditional ways.  Re-discovering ways.  Strengthening ways.  Alhamdulillah.  Stay strong, O self.
I didn't know I could just worship Allah for so long, and love it.  Thank you, Ya Allah.  When I went off for Hajj, I took my Qur'an with me, and knew I was going to read it.  After my first couple of hours in Medina, I thought, 'Wow, I can finish reciting the entire Qur'an on this trip.'  And I told my husband, and he was like, 'duh.'  But it hadn't occured to me before, than in 14 days, I'd have more than enough time to dedicate to reading.  And patience.  That's what I always struggle for.  And love for it.  Not just quick recitation.  Did I finish reciting?  No. :( I fell two juz's away from it.  I was distracted by looking at the people around me. And I was tested in Mina with not being able to fully concentrate in such tight quarters. I missed the expanseness of the Holy Haram.  I missed the open skies.  But that is one of the beauties of Hajj.  To test you in the most crowded situations, in the toughest situations, when you're physically spent, can't walk one more step, can't keep your eyes open one more minute.... and still you pray, and you recite, and you ask.  That is Hajj.  to make ibadah throughout all forms of testing and exertion. Next time I will complete it, inshaAllah.  Next time I'll have that knowledge in my mind, that goal, and I will reach it. This time I went without even thinking about it.  And knowledge is power.  May this benefit someone out there.

I loved the people.  I loved looking at everyone. I couldn't get my eyes full of gazing, and wondering and thinking, 'SubhanaAllah! SubhanaAllah! SubhanaAllah!'  Truly.  The first two days in Medina, I was like a staring freak.  I couldn't stop looking around.  I couldn't concentrate on my recitation.  I was taking in all the crowds, and loving it. I felt like the white person staring at the foreigner Muslim hijabi entourage.

more to come...