Note to Self

I need to stop yelling at my husband, especially in front of his parents.  This month I've done it two times too much, and apparently, it is the trigger that pulls hubby's anger.  I've never seen him angry at me before, but this time, I was able to pull it.  And I feel bad, b/c it was really bad behavior on my part that led to it.  All goes back down to having good khuluq, good manners.  It's what enters you solidly into Jannah, and its' absence is what leads to fights and social problems galore.

So, what is triggering my stupid behavior? Not sure, but I'm pretty sure I haven't been like this in the last 9 years of our marriage.  Sometimes I think he's more sensitive too... don't know. But I still shouldn't be losing my temper so easily.

And then yesterday, when I was trying to 'make' up with him and get him to talk to me, I was pushing him for a reaction. I couldn't figure out why I was mad, couldn't figure out why I wanted to find a fault with him.  He forgot that I don't like peanut buster parfaits.... wow, what a reason to blow up at him in front of everyone.  but it was more like, I was kind of joking (in a very weird way) and hoping he'd joke back, but he didn't.  And then when i was trying to apologize i was more importantly trying to find a reason in his actions for my actions. trying to blame him.  To at least put partial blame on him.   And so i cried and i used the card that i was cooking for your family and washing their dishes, etc.  how stupid of me. i told myself not to say that, b/c i'm not doing it for him or them, i should be doing it for Allah's pleasure.  I hope Allah doesn't blow all my ajr for saying that little line.  O Allah forgive me and allow me to be true to my feelings, not to overexaggerate, to be razeena in my words and actions.

My Resolutions

Yesterday was the first day of the new year, 2010.  And two weeks ago was the first day of the new year, 1431.  Yet it felt weird b/c I didn't feel any real excitement.  Just another day in the year.  But this is when people 'turn a new page,' and make new resolutions to change their lifestyle for the better.  Why doesn't this really ring with me?

Because I just went through two dramatic, life-changing training sessions in the last three months.  Twenty nine days of training during Ramadan and 14 intense days of all-day/all-night training during my once in a lifetime Hajj experience.  Those are the ultimate training sessions that really help you turn a wish, a resolution, a desire into a habit and a reality.  Twenty nine days of praying that extra sunnah, 14 days of temper control in a crowd of three million, ten nights of nightly prayers, twenty nine days of avoiding gossip...

Alhamdulillah.  Now, I'll just use this occasion to remind myself of those resolutions and renew my intentions and my will, with His help.