Note to Self

I need to stop yelling at my husband, especially in front of his parents.  This month I've done it two times too much, and apparently, it is the trigger that pulls hubby's anger.  I've never seen him angry at me before, but this time, I was able to pull it.  And I feel bad, b/c it was really bad behavior on my part that led to it.  All goes back down to having good khuluq, good manners.  It's what enters you solidly into Jannah, and its' absence is what leads to fights and social problems galore.

So, what is triggering my stupid behavior? Not sure, but I'm pretty sure I haven't been like this in the last 9 years of our marriage.  Sometimes I think he's more sensitive too... don't know. But I still shouldn't be losing my temper so easily.

And then yesterday, when I was trying to 'make' up with him and get him to talk to me, I was pushing him for a reaction. I couldn't figure out why I was mad, couldn't figure out why I wanted to find a fault with him.  He forgot that I don't like peanut buster parfaits.... wow, what a reason to blow up at him in front of everyone.  but it was more like, I was kind of joking (in a very weird way) and hoping he'd joke back, but he didn't.  And then when i was trying to apologize i was more importantly trying to find a reason in his actions for my actions. trying to blame him.  To at least put partial blame on him.   And so i cried and i used the card that i was cooking for your family and washing their dishes, etc.  how stupid of me. i told myself not to say that, b/c i'm not doing it for him or them, i should be doing it for Allah's pleasure.  I hope Allah doesn't blow all my ajr for saying that little line.  O Allah forgive me and allow me to be true to my feelings, not to overexaggerate, to be razeena in my words and actions.