Sadness, Depression and Musa (as)

I was sitting at home yesterday, the third day into our Snowmageddon 2010, the third day of not really talking to anyone but my two little ones.  (My hubby is away on a business trip).  And I tend to get a bit sad, depressed when I'm alone like that, but alhamdulllah I've been holding up fairly well this storm.  Last night, I was trying to memorize some lines from Surat al Qasas, and read over the story of Prophet Moses (as) when he was in the utmost point of sadness, loneliness and depression that a person could be in.  He'd just heard news that the tyrant of Egypt had issued an 'arrest/assassination' warrant against him, he'd just left his country, his place of familiarity, he'd just left everything behind, and he felt bad, guilty, depressed over the man he had accidently killed.
He was in his utmost point of need, of being alone.  At that time, he reached out to Allah SWT, to his Lord, Savior, and Creator and said, "O Allah, save me from the wrong doing people."  And "O Allah, I am truly needy  of what you have brought down for me of good."

The call out to Allah, in the middle of our darkness.  Reaching out with our hands and our needs to Him, and He answering our call instantaneously.  What better story to illustrate it for us than the story of Musa alayhisaalam, in his darkest hour of need, calling our to His Lord and Creator, and never holding back from striving for ihsan, for good in his actions.  Right in the middle of this depression, of this intense sadness, he got up, and went forth in action.  He saw the two young women in need of help with their sheep, and he came to their help, then turned back to his Lord for His help. 

Alhamdulillahi rabil 3alameen.

So Why is Baba Still At Work

Hubby is on a long-ish business trip, and we're stuck at home in the snow, alhamdulillah.  So yesterday, Shifaa asked me if our neighbors were at work (at 10 am in the blizzard).  I said matter of factly, of course not, everyone is home now. It's time to go to bed.
A few seconds of silence passed and then my three year old asked, 'So why is baba still at work?'

Aaaah.  my baby understands everything subhanaAllah and i really have to be careful of what i tell her and not dismiss her as a little kid.

Science for Kids

So, I noticed in my search engine that most of the hits I get to my blog is from an old post I had on an impromptu science experiment I designed for my then three year old.  I'll refer you to a couple of great books my sister in law referred me to:
Mudpies to Magnets by Elizabeth Sherwood and some others
and
More Mudpies to Magnets by the same authors.

and then for great activities:
Slow and Steady, Get Me Ready (activities for kids ages 0-5 years). 

Enjoy the wonders of seeing the world through the eyes of a child!

Kid's Eye View

There are so many blessings to being around a child.  It's as if Allah SWT not only wants to keep the human race going, but also to keep our wonder and interest in the world alive. 

I grew up hating the snow.  To me, it feels cold and slippery and I'm forced to stay locked in for days on end.  But subhanaAllah, this year has been different for me. I am now a mother of a four year old who is so eager to go out and enjoy the white snow and ice.  She forced me out this morning, into the DC area's 'Snowmageddon' of 2010; and I'm so happy she did.  I felt so refreshed out there.  It was so peaceful, and while I cleaned my car, I felt a rejuvenating spirit run through me.  It felt good, refreshing, serene.  No cars on the road, I could let my daughters play in the parking lot in peace.  I did my thing, and tried to uncover the mounds of white snow from my big, black car, and they did their thing in peace, sliding, packing, digging.  My chest feels full of fresh air, and now I'm home in warm, dry weather, ahamdulillah.  Wishing the hubby were here, is the only thing, but I suspect he's glad to be out of it.

tabtabi 3leeha

i had a moment about ten days ago, in the middle of the night where i imagined i heard one of my kids throwing up. sure enough, my older daughter came to my room and told me, "Mama, Shifaa bit-kuh.  Mahtagaki ti tabtabi 3la dahraha."  "Mama, Shifaa is coughing. She needs you to pat her on her back."
That erased my annoyance, and i got up to check on baby, who had indeed thrown up in the middle of the night, and laid her head in it.  I cleaned, and bathed, and laundered, and felt bad for baby who was still trying to wonder what that water that came up was.

Alhamdulillah, five days later, she's back to normal. Took much longer than I expected, but alhamdulillah for the blessing of health!

Note to Self

I need to stop yelling at my husband, especially in front of his parents.  This month I've done it two times too much, and apparently, it is the trigger that pulls hubby's anger.  I've never seen him angry at me before, but this time, I was able to pull it.  And I feel bad, b/c it was really bad behavior on my part that led to it.  All goes back down to having good khuluq, good manners.  It's what enters you solidly into Jannah, and its' absence is what leads to fights and social problems galore.

So, what is triggering my stupid behavior? Not sure, but I'm pretty sure I haven't been like this in the last 9 years of our marriage.  Sometimes I think he's more sensitive too... don't know. But I still shouldn't be losing my temper so easily.

And then yesterday, when I was trying to 'make' up with him and get him to talk to me, I was pushing him for a reaction. I couldn't figure out why I was mad, couldn't figure out why I wanted to find a fault with him.  He forgot that I don't like peanut buster parfaits.... wow, what a reason to blow up at him in front of everyone.  but it was more like, I was kind of joking (in a very weird way) and hoping he'd joke back, but he didn't.  And then when i was trying to apologize i was more importantly trying to find a reason in his actions for my actions. trying to blame him.  To at least put partial blame on him.   And so i cried and i used the card that i was cooking for your family and washing their dishes, etc.  how stupid of me. i told myself not to say that, b/c i'm not doing it for him or them, i should be doing it for Allah's pleasure.  I hope Allah doesn't blow all my ajr for saying that little line.  O Allah forgive me and allow me to be true to my feelings, not to overexaggerate, to be razeena in my words and actions.

My Resolutions

Yesterday was the first day of the new year, 2010.  And two weeks ago was the first day of the new year, 1431.  Yet it felt weird b/c I didn't feel any real excitement.  Just another day in the year.  But this is when people 'turn a new page,' and make new resolutions to change their lifestyle for the better.  Why doesn't this really ring with me?

Because I just went through two dramatic, life-changing training sessions in the last three months.  Twenty nine days of training during Ramadan and 14 intense days of all-day/all-night training during my once in a lifetime Hajj experience.  Those are the ultimate training sessions that really help you turn a wish, a resolution, a desire into a habit and a reality.  Twenty nine days of praying that extra sunnah, 14 days of temper control in a crowd of three million, ten nights of nightly prayers, twenty nine days of avoiding gossip...

Alhamdulillah.  Now, I'll just use this occasion to remind myself of those resolutions and renew my intentions and my will, with His help.